I’m sure the title of this blog got you to click on here. To probably find out what happened. Or to see what I have gone through that way you can relate. I don’t even know where to begin, because I know writing about this will be the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But I will let you know that this is my story.
I don’t sugar coat anything. My details in this blog might be a little too much for you to handle. I feel I need to be as real as possible and lay out the details of this miscarriage to help as many women as I can. So take this as a warning!
I guess I can start by saying that we were pregnant with baby #4. In July I found out I was pregnant, again! I was in shock that I was expecting so soon after Grayson was born. We were not trying to have another baby. It just sort of happened (just like with the other 3 boys). We always wanted to have 4 kids. Manny and I wanted to have a big family from the time we got married, and always said 4 kids was our max.
Even though I was pregnant I did not feel like I was pregnant, which was odd. With the boys I was very sleepy, tired, had no energy what so ever, and had no appetite (shocking right?). With this pregnancy I was feeling pretty normal, I had energy, felt good, and had a normal appetite. It was like I wasn’t pregnant. Some times I had to think to myself am I even pregnant at all with how good I was feeling. Both sides of our family swore & were hoping I was pregnant with a girl.
I went to my first OB appointment and as I laid on the exam table for the ultrasound, I told the ultrasound tech let’s see if there really is a baby in there (since I didn’t feel pregnant). Sure enough, there was the baby on the screen. Baby looked great, measurements were right on target, the heart beat was at 172, and hearing that heart beat for the first time never gets old.
My due date was March 31, 2018. The other exciting part about this pregnancy was my sister-in-love Donna was pregnant too with her first baby. She is due 2 weeks before my due date. We were so excited to be pregnant together. We were going to be “prego” buddies! She and I would say our babies were going to be twin cousins due to how close their birthdays will be.
Through out my pregnancy I kept watching out for bleeding. I normally miscarry in between kids. I had my 1st miscarriage when Aiden was 8 months old. Had a 2nd miscarriage before I conceived Nolan. And had my 3rd miscarriage 2 months before I conceived Grayson. I normally miscarry early around 4 to 7 weeks. And because I miscarry that early the miscarriages were never traumatic. It was like I was experiencing a very heavy period. Of course after each miscarriage I would be sad and depressed for like a week. Your mind starts to adjust to the fact that you’re adding a new member to the family. So I would normally feel the sense of loss and emptiness after each miscarriage.
The fact that I made it to 10 weeks in this pregnancy with no issues surprised me. But still, in the back of my mind I had a fear. What if I unexpectedly miscarry. Whenever I would begin to have thoughts like that I would say it’s not happening and I made it this far.
September 14th, 2017 was the day that changed my world. At 11 weeks pregnant, I woke up that morning feeling fine as I normally did. Manny was in the middle of packing his suitcase as he was heading out-of-town for work that day. I went to the bathroom and I notice when I wiped I had a little bit of spotting on the toilet paper. I immediately got nervous, but calmed myself down.
I called my doctor to notify her, and they said spotting is so normal in pregnancy, and not to worry about it. As I explained to the nurse, in my case, I never spot when I’m pregnant. Spotting or any sign of bleeding follows with a miscarriage with my history. So she said not to jump to any conclusions. My instructions were to take it easy the rest of the day, and if my bleeding and cramping got heavier, to go straight to the ER.
Manny felt a little uneasy leaving me by myself with 3 boys (who were 7 yrs, 4 yrs & 8 months at the time). I decided to minimize my movements and when the boys returned home from school that I would make it a movie day. We’d do nothing but watching movies. And that’s exactly what we did! Afternoon snack time came and my bleeding started to get a slight bit heavier. Almost like a period. I started to get nervous, but did not want to think the worse.
Dinner time came and my cramping started to worsen. As I was in the kitchen I felt this cramping knot in my stomach that was so painful. Since it hurt so bad I decided to sit on the toilet. As I sat on the toilet I felt this HUGE gush come out of me. When I looked down all I saw was clear water and huge amounts of blood following. I’m guessing my water broke and then the rest of the blood followed. As I picked my head up I whispered out loud, “Oh no Lord, please don’t let this be what I think it is.”
Tears immediately welled up in my eyes. Still not wanting to believe I was miscarrying, I did what any woman would do, clean myself up, put a pad on & go back to the kids. Since I was bleeding so heavily the thin pads I had were barely lasting me 2 minutes. I had to go back into the bathroom and just sit on the toilet. I called my husband to tell him what was happening. He didn’t want to believe I was miscarrying either and was positive the baby was okay. I assured him I was miscarrying and continued to describe what was currently happening on the toilet.
During all of this my 3 boys were destroying the house. Aiden & Nolan were shouting, running around, and jumping on furniture like it was a trampoline park. Grayson was not crawling yet, but was able to roll over to different parts of the house. When I was able to get off the toilet I found Grayson in the kitchen. After I placed Grayson in his jumper, I had to run back to the bathroom as my pants had already been soiled in… well… you know what. I began to undress the bottom half of me feeling icky, dirty, and helpless as my bathroom floor began to look like a massacred crime scene.
As I sat on the toilet again not able to get off I started to feel light-headed like as if I was going to faint. As a medical assistant I know the immediate thing to do is place your head down in between your knees with your arms hanging down to the floor. As I had my head down I started to get cold sweats. I couldn’t believe this was happening now while I am alone! Hearing Grayson crying, hungry for dinner, and the older 2 boys running around like maniacs, I knew I needed some help. I couldn’t do this by myself. I text my friend Andrea and told her the situation and asked her to pick up some jumbo overnight mattress pads. Without hesitation I got a text from her saying she was on her way!
As I sat on the toilet with a continuous flow coming out of me non-stop, and Grayson crying for dinner, I had to get up, and some how quickly serve dinner before the blood soiled my pants. I toasted frozen waffles and served it to Aiden & Nolan. I picked up Grayson and brought him to the bathroom with me. Again, I soiled another pair of pants. I sat Grayson on the bathroom floor in front of me and proceeded to feed him his baby food while I sat on the toilet.
I could not believe the reality of the situation. My husband out-of-town, me by myself miscarrying our baby, while trying to somehow manage the kids. There was no time to get emotional or think. Just going through the motions, trying to figure out how to do this, without passing out on the floor in front of my kids.
Andrea finally arrived at my house and since she has 3 boys herself she knew exactly what to do. She took control while I stayed in the bathroom. She had the boys clean up their mess, put pajamas on, brush their teeth, and they were in bed for the night. I came out of the bathroom quickly just to try to say good night to the boys. I put Grayson to bed for the night, and as Andrea handed me the huge mattress pads I could tell I was soiling another pair of pants. I told her I was going to take a shower and just let it all come out of me.
Apparently, when you’re experiencing a lot of blood loss it’s not a good idea to stand in a warm shower. Bad idea on my part. As I stood in the shower I started to feel nauseous. Then very quickly started to get cold & hot flashes. Once I started seeing spots in my vision I knew I was on the verge of fainting at any moment. I was overheating. I quickly got out of the shower, sat on the toilet, and once again had my head and arms hanging down.
At this point my lower back started to severely hurt. My back pain reminded me of the back labor pains I had with Grayson’s birth. I tried to get up and dressed but I could tell I needed to hang my head down longer. After staring at the dry bloody spots on the floor for a few minutes I somehow got up off the toilet and dressed myself.
When I came out of the bathroom Andrea saw my face and told me I looked really pale. I still felt very weak and had to continue hanging my head and arms down. I thought my bleeding had slowed down at this point so I sat on the couch with Andrea. I was wrong again. It seems the more I sat down on the couch to relax, that when I stood up I had huge clots coming out of me. When I say clots I mean they were bigger than softballs! And of course I soiled a pair of pants each time I got up from the couch.
Andrea shared with me that she had a miscarriage at 13 weeks, and everything that I was experiencing is what she went through. The pain, the blood loss, the symptoms and all, she went through it. She knew exactly what I was going through physically and soon to be emotionally. She shared with me that she bled for 6 hours straight when she miscarried, and that my bleeding should slow down after that. She was definitely right about my bleeding slowing down after 6 hours. I assured Andrea I was okay and said she could return home.
Manny called by the time Andrea left and asked if I wanted him to catch an earlier flight home. I immediately said yes. There was no way I was going to be able to manage all day again by myself with the kids with out him. Manny knew I was physically drained. I was not able to move. I was ready to pass out. And I did on the couch!
Because of the many trips I was making to the bathroom, I decided to sleep on the couch since Grayson sleeps in my bedroom. It was a very rough night for me. I had to crawl to the bathroom as every time I stood up I would get dizzy. Grayson knew something was wrong since mama wasn’t sleeping in the room with him. So he kept getting up at random hours of the night.
Manny sent me a text during the night saying he caught an early morning flight and would land around 7:30 AM. Thank God! If he had not changed his flight he would be returning home some time after 4 PM. Shortly after that text my alarm went of at 6:30 AM. Now it was time to get the boys ready for school. Trying to get the boys ready for school, as well as feed Grayson his bottle, while feeling dizzy and faint was not an easy task.
Usually I drive Nolan to preschool and Aiden takes the bus to his school. Of all days, Aiden’s school bus does not show up for pick up. Which means I have to drive both boys to school now. Due to how I was feeling I told the boys I couldn’t take them to school. Aiden & Nolan started crying and saying how they didn’t want to miss school. So, I stood for a few minutes waiting for the dizziness to pass. Once it did, I grabbed Grayson, had the older 2 run to the van as I slowly walked, and carried Grayson to the car. Don’t ask me how I drove & dropped off 2 boys at 2 different schools, but I did. God is the only one who was driving that car.
When I got home I put a baby show on for Grayson as I laid on the couch. About an hour later Manny walked through the door. As he gave me a hug & a kiss I started to cry. I felt I could relax now that my prince charming was home. I told him how traumatic the experience was for me and to see all the blood I had lost. Parts of my baby passing through me and there was nothing I could do about it.
I was so physically exhausted that I slept most of the day in the boys bedroom. While I slept, Manny cleaned up the aftermath from the kids, and my aftermath in the bathroom. Not once did he make a comment about how messy the toilet and floors were. He was by my side to check in on me and see if I was sleeping and resting.
A few days later I went to my doctor as she wanted to see if there was anything left inside of me. I’ve never had an ultrasound done and there was no baby on the screen. It took a lot for me to hold it together and not get emotional when I looked at the screen.
The next 3 weeks were very hard for me emotionally. It really hit home for me when Manny started to collapse and put away Grayson’s baby swing. When I saw him putting the swing into the box I immediately said, “We’ll have to take that swing back out before the baby is born.” I quickly caught myself and realized what I just said. I sat down and immediately started to cry.
I wished some one would have prepped me and told me years ago what it would physically and emotionally feel like to have a miscarriage after 11 weeks. I wish somebody would have told me what they went through when they miscarried. Prepping me years before it even happened. I wish I had a description of it a head of time that way I knew what I would face when the time came. No one mentions how physically traumatic a miscarriage is! No one tells you how much blood you’ll lose when it happens or the amount of pain you’ll experience physically. Not one person says how heart wrenching the healing process is. That when you’re hysterically crying to yourself you think you might go insane. That you can’t bear the weight of this grief any longer. The truth is you have no choice but to go through the healing process.
How to start your healing process…
The only way to start your healing process is by not rushing it. I tried to rush the healing process because I wanted to get it done and over with. You have to let time do it’s thing. There’s no way to tell how long your healing process will take. All you will think about is the traumatic event itself and the baby you never got to meet. The next thing you’ll do is think about what could have caused this. And that’s quite normal.
I’ve gone round and round in my head at what could have triggered this miscarriage. Maybe the camping trip we went on 2 weeks prior to the miscarriage was too much for me? Could I have been dehydrated from the camping trip since it was so hot? Did Grayson kick me by accident while dressing him after I bathed him one night? Was I not careful enough? Figuring out what the blame was or playing the blame game is normal. You’re so upset that this has happened to you and your baby that you want to figure out why. You figure it will give you some what of a relief by blaming the miscarriage on something or someone.
I can honestly say crying is all you can do during your healing process. I cried multiple times a day for at least 3 weeks. Do not beat yourself up and think there’s something wrong with you based on how many times you cry in 1 day. You lost your baby! You need to go through the grieving process. You’re in a state of mourning. And going through this process means you may have to limit yourself to what you see everyday.
In order for you to heal you may have to stay off social media for some time. Whenever I would see a pregnancy announcement or a gender reveal announcement on social media I would start to get angry and then immediately start crying. It hurts so much seeing those announcements and seeing the happy smiles & faces knowing I did not get to have my moment to announce our pregnancy.
Your faith will also determine how you heal. As a Christian I’ve asked God why this has happened to me… 4 times! This 4th miscarriage was the worse to recover from than the other 3. I guess it was so rough due to the fact that I was so far along. To be honest I’m not mad or angry at God that this has happened to me. Because I know where all my babies are. When I think about all the miscarriages I’ve had, I think about the movie The Shack. The scene where Jesus is playing outside in a field with all the children that have names and that are nameless.
When I think about my 4 babies that I have lost I am happy and content knowing that my children are playing with Jesus in His fields of grace. I can just imagine the atmosphere there in heaven… bright, perfect, sunny day. My babies are playing with other children, playing with their Savior where there is no pain, no tears, no sadness. They are playing in an infinite time of happiness, giggles, laughter, love from the Father, and having a ton of fun. What every kid dreams of!
Although I have peace knowing where my babies are, my heart is broken from this current miscarriage. My heart and emotions are aching for my baby. And as a mother it is natural to grieve. And I recommend grieving hard. Some times I did not want to move on. Part of me just wanted to wallow in my sad and depressive state of mind. There were days I would sit or lay down in my bed or the couch and just stare into space. My heart and emotions still in complete shock and disappointment.
Another way to heal is by having a supportive spouse. I honestly don’t know how I would’ve healed if I didn’t have Manny. Even though he was not physically present for this miscarriage, he was there when the other 3 happened. When he came home from his business trip he let me rest, took care of the kids as well as feeding, and bathing them. For over 3 weeks while I cried numerous times and wanted to be left alone, he took care of our family when I was not able to. After the kids would be in bed we would sit on the couch to watch TV, and out of nowhere I would start crying. Manny was there to lean over and hug me. Telling me even though he has no words to offer, his comfort is all he could offer me.
Reaching out to friends or those that have been through a miscarriage is also very helpful. I would send text messages out to various friends describing my emotional pain and how I couldn’t take it anymore. I had a few friends write back that had been in my shoes describing what I needed to do to heal. I had other friends praying for me saying grace, grace, grace. Grace is what they were praying for. I had another friend as well as my husband tell me how the Lord will use this traumatic experience to relate & minister to other women that have gone through this.
My friend Christina told me the only way the Lord will use me to encourage, speak, and relate to other women is if I have been through it myself. She also said the Lord needed me to go through this horrific miscarriage, to know what it is like to heal from this. To experience His love, His grace, His kindness, His mercy, and His presence.
Some times when I did not feel like reading my Bible, all I could do was turn on worship music and cry. Balling my eyes out trying to let the Lord heal me through worship was very hard, but very necessary. At the end of the blog I will post the worship songs that helped me during my healing process. I do recommend that you make a healing music playlist to help when you are in worship. Crying will make you physically and emotionally exhausted. But it is necessary to worship through the pain.
It takes a strong woman to go through a miscarriage, let alone go through it 4 times! But it takes an even stronger woman to worship through the pain. Showing God that despite what I am feeling in this pain, I’ll still give Him praise. And I will still trust and worship Him!
As I was healing the Lord brought the story of Job to my mind. I began to read the book of Job from the Bible. Job was a very wealthy man. Actually, he was very rich, blessed, loved the Lord, and had 10 children. The Bible says he was so wealthy that he owned 7,000 sheep, 3,000 camels, 500 oxen, 500 female donkeys, and had many servants. The Bible mentions that Job goes through a testing period that causes turmoil in his life. During the testing period all of Job’s children die, all the animals he had on his land died or was stolen, his servants died, and he had boils on his skin that was physically painful to deal with. Even though Job’s world was going through a tremendous amount of pain he still gave God praise. Job literally lost everything! But despite all of that Job still praised God.
I lost my baby. You lost your baby. Are you willing to praise God despite all the pain you’re in? Even though your world feels empty, your heart is broken from your loss, and you want all the pain to go away… are you still willing to worship through the pain? Even though you don’t feel like raising your hands in worship, will you still praise? Even while you sit or lay on the floor crying in a fetal position, will you let the Holy Spirit cradle you, comfort you, and heal you?
The only way you’re going to heal is if you let God be God. Let His Holy Spirit comfort you and show you the different aspects of healing. Let Him show you the people you need to reach out to, to help you with your healing process. Do not do this healing by yourself. You need comfort, encouragement, words of wisdom, and grace. By God’s grace He will get you through this. I promise, this pain won’t last forever. Grieving is only for a time. Not a lifestyle. Take the time you need to heal.
I pray and hope you were able to relate to my story, and the advice I gave to heal helped in some way. I pray this blog touches many women that have gone through this experience. To know that they’re not alone in this. And that they take the proper steps to grieve, heal, and recover from their loss. I pray these songs & devotions below move you, that these words help heal your heart, and that the Holy Spirit surrounds you as you let His presence heal your broken heart.